THE BUTS

I've been cleaning and decluttering in preparation for my company coming this weekend.  In the process I've begun to do some things that I put off doing years ago; for example, hanging pictures in my living room, hanging pictures in my hallway, and clearing out the TV entertainment center (it's going outside Saturday for sale or pickup).  I've disliked the entertainment center for a couple of years now but inertia caused me to just sit and hate it instead of getting rid of it.  Let me introduce you to - The BUTS.  So I'm sitting in my living room glaring at the entertainment center and thinking,

"I hate that entertainment center; it leans away from the wall and that's just so unattractive.  And I have something I like much better to put in its place."  Uh oh, here come The BUTS:

• BUT there's so much stuff piled on it; I'll never find a new home for everything.
• BUT even if I could find a home for everything, I'd never be able to move it by myself.
• BUT even if I could move it by myself, I can't have a yard sale with just one item.
• BUT even if I decided to just junk it at the side of the road, I couldn't drag it all the way out there by myself.

The BUTS are related to procrastination; they are the mental voices that discourage me from even trying to do some activity.

I thought that blogging about BUTS would be helpful, but instead I have killed almost an hour on this stupid topic and still have quite a bit of work to do.  Stupid BUTS.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS...NOPE...ST AUGUSTINE

OK, don't freak out, but I've signed up for Google Adsense.  A friend suggested it for earning extra money.  It sounded too good to be true, of course, so I did a lot of research this afternoon.  Results are mixed.

I immediately read as many complaints and as varied problems as I could.  Most of the complaints were from webmasters who earned up to the minimum $100 that Google requires before issuing a check.  They claimed that just when they were expecting their first check, Google accused them of fraud and closed their account.

Aha! said my cynical side.  Typical corporate scam; however, most of the webmasters went on to complain about all the time they put into getting more ads and getting more hits, etc. 

I had almost decided NOT to do it just because I was sure it wouldn't be worth the trouble, AND I already had the Cable TV monopoly and the cell phone behemoth to deal with - I didn't need another company ripping me off.  Then I decided...... I decided to take a leap.  I am so darn conservative and I don't do a lot of things because the results are not guaranteed. 

I thought about it and decided I would only do it if I put NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER into it.  So I filled out the application and it was short and only mildly annoying.  We'll see.  They promise that I can veto up to 200 advertisers (that I may view as objectionable).  We'll see.  If I go through with this you are free to do what you want.  Whoever advertises is chosen by Google, not me.  I'm just letting them use some of my space.  And if I don't like it I'm promised that I can get out of this arrangement quickly and easily.

So call me a sellout.  Whatever.  I need more income.  I am going to try more stuff.  I am going to take more chances.  And so what if it doesn't work out.  At least I tried.

OFFSPRING FROM ANOTHER PLANET

I have not mentioned this NO TV project to my two daughters; I knew they would just think it was another weird thing about their weird mother.  I'm finally getting it that they don't get me and that's OK; I really didn't "get" my  mother either.  That's why we have grandchildren.

Mary Lee (my older daughter who lives here in St. Augustine) noticed Saturday my cable wire was disconnected from my TV and asked me what was wrong with my cable.  So I told her I wasn't watching TV for a year. 

"Why?" daughter asked.

"Because I just wanted to see if I could do it."  mother answered.

"Cool."  daughter comments.  

"Bullshit." mother is thinking.

 I know that's not the end of it.

So I guess the two daughters put their heads together.  I'm sure Mary Lee reported this aberration along with  the new bumper stickers on my car:  EVE WAS FRAMED and DON'T PISS ME OFF - I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO BURY THE BODIES.  I mean, come on!  My beloved Cabrio is 10 years old and I'm finally only carrying Liability Insurance and I'm driving it as long as I can and have no plans to sell it so if I want to put bumper stickers on it now, so what!  Anyway, they're always comparing notes to see if it's "time".  You know, time to "put me away".  I'm only 55 and they've been preparing for "putting me away" for a decade already.  I've told them both I've got a one-way ticket to Tahiti that I'm using with the last of my strength.  Actually, it's for Nome - I think it would be better to freeze to death on an ice floe than to die all hot and sweaty on a tropical island. 

So...my younger daughter Melissa calls me tonight.  She's driving down from Atlanta for a long weekend with me.  (BTW bringing 2-yr-old Noah - woo hoo!)

"So I hear you're like not watching TV for a year," daughter says.

"That's right,"  mother answers...waiting.

"So does that mean like no one can watch TV?  Like I can't watch Survivor or Amazing Race while I'm visiting?"  daughter asks with her 3-year-old voice.

"That's right, no TV at all.  After all Tim will record everything for you anyway."  mother is screwing with daughter....because she can.

 "Oh... yea...that's right.  Well, that's fine."  daughter sounds pitiful.

"Well, I guess I could hook up the TV in the bedroom and you could spend time with the TV instead of with your mother."  God, this is great.

"No, no, you're right, Tim will record everything."  Daughter is being so nice.  I know it's killing her.

I did let her off the hook, but it will be weird to be all together and not watch TV.  I will have it hooked up so my friend LuAnn can watch while she's here visiting for a week, and it will be hooked up this weekend in case my daughter wants to watch, but I won't use the opportunity to watch.  That would be...like...cheating.

Christmas stuff, Dancing Poinsettias and PUSH DA BUTTON GRENAH!

I finally put my Christmas boxes away in the attic today.  I know - first of all - what the hell were my Xmas boxes doing out in September and why bother to put them away now when October comes this week and Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  That's what my friend Susan said when I told her. 

THANKS, SUSAN, FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT!  
 
I wish there was a sarcasm font available.

Here's why my Xmas boxes were still stacked in my hallway on September 27, 2009.


Last year during the Thanksgiving weekend my daughter Mary Lee and my then 2-yr-old granddaughter Kinsey helped me get all the Xmas boxes out of my attic.  (I don't have attic stairs and have to stand on a 6-foot step ladder.) Mary Lee was so sweet and climbed up there and unloaded all my boxes for me. I have 6 containers of Xmas stuff - down from the 30 I had when I moved here from Atlanta. Then she took several strings of weatherproof lights and outlined my windows and climbed on my roof and lined the roof and the eaves and even made an outline of a Xmas tree on my roof.

Kinsey and I played in the yard for awhile and handed Mary Lee stuff she needed and caught the stuff she threw off the roof.  Then we went inside and started unloading Xmas boxes.  It was a gorgeous day so we had all the windows open.  We heard Mary Lee shriek one time when she was replacing a bulb and touched a live wire.  Kinsey and I ran outside but by then Mary Lee was OK.  She didn't appreciate my giggling.


At some point I pulled my dancing poinsettia out of a Xmas box and the inside decorating stopped.  When you push the button the poinsettia starts wiggling back and forth, and reveals a little bird with a Santa hat.  The little bird sings Rockin' Robin (only it sings Merry Christmas instead of the words Rockin' Robin).  When you push the button again it sings Jingle Bells.  KINSEY LOVED THIS.  She wouldn't touch it herself, but she wanted me to play it over and over again.  So over and over... and over and over... and over and over again I pushed the button and played the music while Kinsey danced around the living room.

Up on the roof Mary Lee heard the music play, then a VERY LOUD VOICE say "PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH! PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH!" then music, then "PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH!", then music over and over again.  Mary Lee told me after she climbed down that "PUSH DA BUTTON GRENAH!" was echoing all over the neighborhood.   :o)

Altogether I put up 5 small Xmas trees and decorated EVERYTHING in anticipation of the Xmas Season.  I was really excited because Melissa and her family (Tim and then 18-month-old Noah) were driving down from Atlanta for a week for Christmas.  I wanted my condo to be a Christmas Wonderland for my grandkids - and it looked great!   Everything they could reach was baby-safe and fun for them.  Even the Xmas trees they could reach had unbreakable decorations.  Everything was just perfect.  I should have known.

My Atlanta family arrived on Thursday and I left work on Friday at noon for my week's vacation.  One hour after leaving work I sneezed.  By that night I was running a fever and feeling like doodoo, but I still rode the Holly Jolly Trolley downtown with the grandbabies and family.  Not to be a big crybaby, but that was the last real fun time I had until March.  The rest of Xmas week I was either suffering in the living room and blowing my nose and coughing, or I was sleeping on my futon in my guest room.  My family spent Xmas Eve and Xmas at my brother's house.  My poor Atlanta family ended up driving home a few days early because I every time I started feeling better I would just get worse in a couple hours. It was a disaster.

I spent all of January being sick.  I would start to get better then relapse.  It was some kind of virus and it just wouldn't let go; and, yes, I went to the doctor a couple times, but all tests results pointed to a virus.  I spent most of February inside recuperating.  I didn't start feeling like myself until March.  So what does this all have to do with my Xmas decorations?  Well, they stayed up throughout this time!  

My daughter and Kinsey came over in late spring to take the outside lighyts down.  While Mary Lee climbed up on the roof, Kinsey and I laid on the warm grass and looked at the sky.  That was a nice day.

Sometime later I boxed all the decorations and trees, but I just couldn't face dragging those containers up into the attic.  The next time Kinsey visited she asked me where all my Christmas went?  She liked Grenah's All-Christmas All-the-Time.  She had played with that dancing poinsettia every time she visited; and would PUSH DA BUTTON all by herself.

So now we're up to September 27, 2009.  I had all this "free time" with no TV.  AND I was fed up with squeezing past my red and green Xmas containers stacked merrily in my hallway.  AND I had company coming Friday, October 2nd.  So I got out the 6-foot stepladder and, even though it was probably 200+ degrees in the attic, I climbed up there and put all my Xmas stuff away.

My hallway is really huge now.    I better take that container to the Betty Griffin store while the sun is shining, because it only fits in my car with the top down.

Growing Up with Kinsey

Kinsey (my granddaughter) is spending the night with me tonight.  Her 3rd birthday is this Thursday and I have really seen a lot of changes in her in the past few months.  Her vocal skills have gone from gibberish to clear sentences.  The "why" questions have started; they're almost a reflex with her now.  The big surprise is the fear that has shown itself at unexpected times.

Since she was a teeny tiny thing she has loved the carousel and always ridden on a horse with an adult standing next to her and holding her tightly.  That is until a couple months ago when she and I picked out a horse and suddenly she didn't want to ride it.  We tried another one, but that didn't work either!  For the first time in her life she wanted to ride sitting on one of the benches and me holding her tightly and reassuring her that she was OK. 

Last week I met my daughter and Kinsey at the park and we went right to the swings.  Again she has loved the swings and always wanted to go really high.  Her mom put her in the swing and started to push her and she freaked out, "No!!!!!!!!"  That afternoon she only wanted to swing very slowly and have "little pushes". 

I seem to remember this "stage" with my own girls- it's like all of a sudden their awareness of the world around them kicks in and they realize the world is a big, scary place.  Tonight we went out to my car after dark to put the roof up (it's a convertible and it was sunny and in the 80's this evening so we cruised a bit after dinner....) and we were talking about seeing the moon and stars and all of a sudden she had her face buried in my waist and she wanted to be picked up.  She hid her face in her hands like she was scared of the dark.

What a conundrum for her!  Just as she is truly mobile and vocal and ready to explore the big, wonderful world, the world becomes a very scary place!  It's a tough job for parents to guide them through this stage - too much protecting and they may remain timid and tentative throughout childhood - not enough understanding and kindness and they are now scared and can't count on anyone to protect them.  Glad I've already been through the parent thing.  It takes a LOT of patience.  As her grandmother (or Grenah as she calls me) I can listen to her and love her and cajole her - and then in the morning give her back to her mom.

I can so relate to her fear.  As an adult it seems ridiculous that last week she was fine outside after dark and tonight she was clinging to me like a tree frog.  Yet it seems ridiculous to me that I can have feelings of anxiety - vague feelings of dread - when I'm driving home from work.   Or even at work.  Or anytime.  So I am learning to listen to myself, love myself, and cajole myself...and not INDULGE or OVERINDULGE myself.

It's almost bedtime and I've got to put a waterproof mattress pad on my bed, so I'll be going.  But will share a couple pics from tonight.

Procrastination & A Fork in the Road

Since disconnecting the 3 TVs I have found a lot of freedom and a lot of free time.  I don't feel that pressure to fit my activities to a program schedule - even down to the potty break commercials.  I have read A LOT of books. Fiction and nonfiction.  And I've written two short stories and a query letter.  Excellent.

BUT (you knew there was a but coming, didn't you?) I have found that I'm spending more time surfing the Internet, and just kind of "messing around" on the computer.  And what I'm doing is killing time.  This is also known as PROCRASTINATION. We all know what procrastination means but I wanted more than a definition. So I checked Wikipedia:

Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by the deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. ^[1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.^[2]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Procrastination

Interesting.  So I analyzed (This in itself could be called procrastination, but since I'm blogging about it AND I stopped to fold a really large load of laundry, let's not call it that, OK!) :  What actions am I deferring? Housework. Dishes, Kitchen cleanup, Vacuuming, Dusting, de-Cluttering. etc. (oh I feel the  anxiety now)  OK.  Now I have to look at the behavior itself:  Surfing the Net.
Counterproductive?  Well, it's not producing anything.  except possibly anxiety.
Needless?  Sometimes.  Yes.  When I'm just procrastinating...
Delaying?  BINGO. 

So I think I have reached a fork in the road.  Back to Wikipedia:

 A fork in the road is a metaphor, based on a literal expression, for a deciding moment in life or history when a major choice of options is required.

 A major choice of options.  A .. major .. choice .. of .. options......is required.  Otherwise you're standing still and digging in your heels or just spinning your wheels....or going back from where you came.

In the past few days I have not been enjoying this free time and I've been looking for ways to fill it.  And it's not that I'm being all "I have to be doing something productive all the time!" either.  I could go to the library and get an armful of books and put off changing my behavior.  I have one movie from Netflix.  I could watch that, then watch the DVDs I already own.  And those behaviors would be  counterproductive,  needless, and delaying.

I didn't give up TV so I could read until I go blind or so I could watch movies every night.  I gave up TV to change something major in my life.  And now it's time to change another. 

Lassie

I skipped blogging yesterday.  I had an AWFUL day - a truly BAD HORRIBLE day and just couldn't do it last night.  I sat in front of my laptop last night and said, "Forget it."  And I went to bed.  And then I nurtured myself.  See, I had ordered a set of DVDs from Amazon.com a couple weeks ago - the 50th Anniversary set:   The Best of Lassie.  I was very tired but not sleepy, so I watched a couple of episodes.  They were the original ones with Jeff & Mom & Gramps.  Not my favorites...I didn't start watching Lassie until Timmy came along in 1957, but I did find out how Lassie came to live with Jeff in the very first episode broadcast originally in 1954.  After I turned off the DVD player I still tossed and turned a while, but I was more relaxed.  Why?  Lassie, of course.

I think my parents started letting me watch Lassie when I was 2 or 3.  It came on early enough that I could watch it right before bed.  And I loved it.  I mean, I REALLY loved it.  Dad told me later - several times - Dad always told me stuff several times - one of the things I miss about Dad - he told me that he and my mother actually discussed keeping me from watching Lassie.  You see, at the end of the show, that mournful whistled tune would begin and Lassie would sit there in all her (his) beauty...and then...as the music swelled to a crescendo...she would lift her paw.  And, at the end of every show, I would sob hysterically because it was over.  I would cry and cry and cry.  My parents actually worried it was hurting me to be so upset, but then the next Sunday would come and they worried about how much more upsetting it would be for me to lose Lassie.     

Lassie (and Timmy) were on until 1964; then Timmy was replaced by some stupid forest ranger.  The show lost quite a bit of its appeal to me - who wanted to watch Lassie and a GROWN-UP?!  In addition, I was growing up myself and becoming interested in other things.  Like the Beatles and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  I gradually quit watching Lassie. 

I looked up the Lassie TV show in Wikipedia and was amazed to find out that it's one of the longest running dramatic TV shows of all time; it ran continuously from 1954 until 1973 - ironically I was born in 1954 and married in 1973.....how...cosmic.  Even cooler...my first dog was a collie.  A gift from my paternal grandmother Essie Maxwell, who for the only time in her life, did something totally outrageous without asking my parents first.  She gave me a collie puppy.  She rocked my little 6-year-old world that day.

I want to share Lassie with my almost-3-year-old-almost-potty-trained granddaughter Kinsey.  First of all, she needs to know what a real dog looks like and acts like.  (No offense, Harley.  Thank God he can't read.  He's just now getting over the shaving episode.)  Kinsey is spending the night this Friday night and I'm going to try a couple of episodes out on her.  And I'm prepared for her NOT to like them.  If she doesn't we'll just watch SpongeBob Squarepants, the Movie.

And after she's asleep I'll watch 1 or 2 episodes of Lassie.