HARLEY - Six Years Old - and Counting...

I took down my Christmas trees today.  I was picking stray pieces of plastic and lint off the carpet when something caught my eye under my desk in one of Harley's beds(1).  I got down on my hands and knees, looked closely under my desk, and gasped.  Shards of glass glittered up from the brown and tan cotton-covered bottom of his bed.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  The *FLB had chewed up a glass ornament.

I looked at him.  He looked at me.  "What?!" he seemed to say.

You're probably thinking, "Well, did you rush him to the Emergency Clinic?"

You're new to this blog, aren't you.  No, I didn't rush him to the Emergency Clinic, and I probably won't mention it at his next vet appointment.  It's been weeks since I first put up the tree, and weeks since any ornaments would have hit the ground and not been noticed by me.  Whatever he's eaten or swallowed has been through his system and exited.  And, before you call PETA on me, I saw quite a bit of glass in there; it could be that he didn't swallow any of it.

Besides, sigh, this isn't the first time the *FLB has chewed on something or eaten something that should have, at the very least, made him really sick. 

He stole one of my granddaughter's small stuffed animal and hid it in his bed after one of her visits.  Sibling rivalry.  I found it and saw a small hole chewed in it and threw it away.  Later I was vacuuming the carpet and all of a sudden I heard, "clinkaclinkaclink" as a lot of small somethings rattled through the machine.  I stopped and, yes, got down on my hands and knees, and felt around his bed.  There were hundreds of small pearl-sized plastic balls next to his bed and in his bed.  Had he shaken them out of the little stuffed animal?  Probably.  If he'd sucked them out I think they would have been gooey with Harley liquids.  Had he thrown up recently?  No.  Anything unusual in his....spoor?  (Classy word, eh?)  No, but I don't get up close and personal with his...spoor.  I shrugged and cleaned up the rest of the little balls.

A co-worker and friend who has since returned to the Czech Republic (Hi, Luci!) created a beautiful and original Christmas gift with cookies and birthday candles.  I displayed it on my table under my Christmas tree for a weekend.  When I returned from work on Monday it was gone.  Not a gram of cookie or candle anywhere.  I interrogated the *FLB but he denied any knowledge of said gift.  I watched his...spoor...for several days and did see flashes of yellow, but chose not investigate further. 

When I brought this dog home from the pound he was one year old.  It was January.  So I celebrate his birthday in January.  The date is flexible; it depends when dog products go on sale and I find something inexpensive (CHEAP) and appropriate for the *FLB.  So far I haven't found anything that, A. the little guy wouldn't just chew and eat in one sitting (rubber/plastic), or B. something that the *FLB will use to spread stuff all over my carpet for months (braided rag chews).   His toys currently consist of :

1.  a small tire purchased by my brother that is advertised as INDESTRUCTIBLE and is made of tire-grade rubber.  I can vouch that, although the *FLB has invested many hours gnawing on the tire, it looks as new as the day he got it.
2. a rock that the *FLB stole from my office.  I brought the rock back from a beach in Nova Scotia.  It is a ragged piece of quartz and I was using it to prop open the compartment door where I keep my computer tower and modem.  Since both machines can run hot I like to keep the door propped open.  (Why did I buy a desk that had a closed compartment?  I don't know.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.)  So I used to use the rock to prop the door open, but I would come home from work and the rock would be missing.  I would find it in Harley's bed.  I finally gave up and let him keep it.  Although it does embarrass me when I have company and he brings out his rock.  "What's that?" they will ask.  sigh.  "That's his rock," I will explain.  "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
3. a red and green un-stuffed thing from which all the stuffing has been removed and spread all over my house (I removed the squeaker); he just likes to chew on the fabric.

He used to have one of those really hard plastic Nylabones that's supposed to be safe for dogs, but I can't find it.

Uh-oh.

*FLB=Freakin' Little Bastard

(1)  In the Old Days dogs were lucky to have a towel or some other rag on which to sleep.  My childhood pets slept outside. Even Lassie slept on the floor at the foot of Timmy's bed - no special bed for Lassie!   Now they have dog beds and, evidently, one is not enough.  You should have a dog bed in every room so your dog will have somewhere safe and comfortable to sleep in every room.  (It's Me or the Dog)  Harley has a crate and 2 dog beds.  I am so politically correct. 

All I Wanted Was a Houseplant

Before Christmas I purchased myself a BARGAIN houseplant.  I paid just under $8 for it.  (Then I spent $34 on the pot for it, but it was still a good deal, right?)  You can see it in the photo...behind the white oscillating fan..and to the left of the dancing elf.  (She was singing and dancing to Jingle Bells sung by my dancing poinsettias, but that's another story.)  Although it was cool outside, it was imperative to have a fan going.   (When a 3-year-old visits there is NONSTOP activity which can cause women of a certain age to SWEAT.)

Although my houseplant and I got off to a shaky start due to a tree frog hiding in the watering can, I am now enjoying the newest addition to my living room.  I believe the palm tree is happy with its new home as it is filling out, sprouting new leaves, and not developing any brown areas.  It adds a bright spot of color to that corner by my front door and I just enjoy looking at it.  Everything would be perfect...except...except for ...

the *FLB.

Yes.  Him!  He spends a lot of time staring at the tree.  Up close and personal.  He will walk up to it, sniff around it, stick his stinkin' little nose in the dirt and sniff...

sniff....sniff....

Then he will startle... and stare ... at SOMETHING he sees or thinks he sees in the tree.  He will back off and sit and stare.  Move closer.  Stare some more.  Eventually he forgets what he's doing and wanders away. He is driving me crazy.

I picked up that tree and plunked it in my shopping cart and hefted it into the back seat of my car and lugged it into my home.  If there was something IN the tree wouldn't it have jumped out and gotten me then?  Wouldn't it?

Today I remembered a story carried in the St. Augustine Record last July.  I looked it up and here is the headline:  "Garden Shop Reopens After Rattler Bites Shopper".  I am not kidding.  A man was shopping in the fern section of the St. Augustine Wal-Mart Garden Shop when his girlfriend's child dropped or threw a baby bottle onto the floor.  Said customer "reached under a plastic shelf" whereupon HE WAS BITTEN BY A PYGMY RATTLESNAKE!  He survived - after he was hospitalized.

The garden shop was closed so a wildlife professional could be called in and "assess the area".  Here's my favorite quote, "What is not known is whether the rattlesnake got into the garden center from nearby woods or if it came in on plants delivered to the store." 

WHAT????!!! 

Since 2006 three incidents were reported of snakes attacking customers in Wal-Mart Garden Shops around Florida.  In the almost-requisite "What to watch for" part of the article appeared my 2nd favorite quote: "The ornery pygmy rattlesnake is a 'sit-and-wait' predator that sits coiled in one spot, waiting for its prey to approach." 

Nice.

So I'm sitting here wondering what the heck my dog is sniffing and staring at in my palm tree.  I bought it at Home Depot, not Wal-Mart.  Thank heavens.  I'm not going to DO anything with the palm tree like pick it up and move it - not anymore.

And I keep my eyes WIDE OPEN when I'm watering it - after I have checked out the watering can thoroughly.

Damn.  Just damn.

*Freakin' little bastard

Christmas stuff, Dancing Poinsettias and PUSH DA BUTTON GRENAH!

I finally put my Christmas boxes away in the attic today.  I know - first of all - what the hell were my Xmas boxes doing out in September and why bother to put them away now when October comes this week and Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  That's what my friend Susan said when I told her. 

THANKS, SUSAN, FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT!  
 
I wish there was a sarcasm font available.

Here's why my Xmas boxes were still stacked in my hallway on September 27, 2009.


Last year during the Thanksgiving weekend my daughter Mary Lee and my then 2-yr-old granddaughter Kinsey helped me get all the Xmas boxes out of my attic.  (I don't have attic stairs and have to stand on a 6-foot step ladder.) Mary Lee was so sweet and climbed up there and unloaded all my boxes for me. I have 6 containers of Xmas stuff - down from the 30 I had when I moved here from Atlanta. Then she took several strings of weatherproof lights and outlined my windows and climbed on my roof and lined the roof and the eaves and even made an outline of a Xmas tree on my roof.

Kinsey and I played in the yard for awhile and handed Mary Lee stuff she needed and caught the stuff she threw off the roof.  Then we went inside and started unloading Xmas boxes.  It was a gorgeous day so we had all the windows open.  We heard Mary Lee shriek one time when she was replacing a bulb and touched a live wire.  Kinsey and I ran outside but by then Mary Lee was OK.  She didn't appreciate my giggling.


At some point I pulled my dancing poinsettia out of a Xmas box and the inside decorating stopped.  When you push the button the poinsettia starts wiggling back and forth, and reveals a little bird with a Santa hat.  The little bird sings Rockin' Robin (only it sings Merry Christmas instead of the words Rockin' Robin).  When you push the button again it sings Jingle Bells.  KINSEY LOVED THIS.  She wouldn't touch it herself, but she wanted me to play it over and over again.  So over and over... and over and over... and over and over again I pushed the button and played the music while Kinsey danced around the living room.

Up on the roof Mary Lee heard the music play, then a VERY LOUD VOICE say "PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH! PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH!" then music, then "PUSH DA BUTTON, GRENAH!", then music over and over again.  Mary Lee told me after she climbed down that "PUSH DA BUTTON GRENAH!" was echoing all over the neighborhood.   :o)

Altogether I put up 5 small Xmas trees and decorated EVERYTHING in anticipation of the Xmas Season.  I was really excited because Melissa and her family (Tim and then 18-month-old Noah) were driving down from Atlanta for a week for Christmas.  I wanted my condo to be a Christmas Wonderland for my grandkids - and it looked great!   Everything they could reach was baby-safe and fun for them.  Even the Xmas trees they could reach had unbreakable decorations.  Everything was just perfect.  I should have known.

My Atlanta family arrived on Thursday and I left work on Friday at noon for my week's vacation.  One hour after leaving work I sneezed.  By that night I was running a fever and feeling like doodoo, but I still rode the Holly Jolly Trolley downtown with the grandbabies and family.  Not to be a big crybaby, but that was the last real fun time I had until March.  The rest of Xmas week I was either suffering in the living room and blowing my nose and coughing, or I was sleeping on my futon in my guest room.  My family spent Xmas Eve and Xmas at my brother's house.  My poor Atlanta family ended up driving home a few days early because I every time I started feeling better I would just get worse in a couple hours. It was a disaster.

I spent all of January being sick.  I would start to get better then relapse.  It was some kind of virus and it just wouldn't let go; and, yes, I went to the doctor a couple times, but all tests results pointed to a virus.  I spent most of February inside recuperating.  I didn't start feeling like myself until March.  So what does this all have to do with my Xmas decorations?  Well, they stayed up throughout this time!  

My daughter and Kinsey came over in late spring to take the outside lighyts down.  While Mary Lee climbed up on the roof, Kinsey and I laid on the warm grass and looked at the sky.  That was a nice day.

Sometime later I boxed all the decorations and trees, but I just couldn't face dragging those containers up into the attic.  The next time Kinsey visited she asked me where all my Christmas went?  She liked Grenah's All-Christmas All-the-Time.  She had played with that dancing poinsettia every time she visited; and would PUSH DA BUTTON all by herself.

So now we're up to September 27, 2009.  I had all this "free time" with no TV.  AND I was fed up with squeezing past my red and green Xmas containers stacked merrily in my hallway.  AND I had company coming Friday, October 2nd.  So I got out the 6-foot stepladder and, even though it was probably 200+ degrees in the attic, I climbed up there and put all my Xmas stuff away.

My hallway is really huge now.    I better take that container to the Betty Griffin store while the sun is shining, because it only fits in my car with the top down.